One summer, Two summer

So after a weekend of torched plans, car washes, and a weird groggy feeling I enter the dreaded work week with high hopes of finding jeans and going to Gravity Pope.

That got torched too.

And so did my ebay account.

I know it. Just say it. You don't have to call me an idiot since I have already infused that thought into my brain about 60 times since yesterday.

But you had to rub it in just a little bit more didn't you? You took it and shoved it into my face with relentless glee and a hand that seemed to make my world black.

Oh jeeze was that 'black' comment ever emo, though I assure you I am not emo just uncomfortable.

I am trying to think of something to look forward to but since my eyes are puffy, stomach feeling empty, and my mood is some combination of indifference, irritated, and hopelessness I really can't pick out something. My shoes came in but I really can't care right now.

Though I realize and I admit that I am the one at fault. I am the one that should have said something but when I try and say something to you, I get stumped and all you say is, "It's okay sweety" and start to rub my back like a little child. That doesn't work with Jason anymore. What makes you think it will work with me?! And yes, I am distracted when I am on the phone but what is worse? Me being distracted on the phone or you completely blocking me out mid-sentence to laugh at how some birds walk and some low-end bread comment?

And please tell me what happened when I told you about what happened yesterday and what I did to put my self at ease so my hands will stop shaking? What response did you have? I am not a psychiatrist but I am pretty sure that it was not of anything supportive but more along the lines of demeaning. And not only did you make me feel like more of a moron, you made sure I knew that I was wrong. You made sure that I knew that I was idiot and what I did was stupid. What do you think I was thinking when I didn't talk to you? How nice it is that you are the one who is finally driving and not me? (by the way, its not that nice.) How about how much closer I feel to you? Because none of those things are true and I am sure you know it.

I don't know what it is but I feel so done. Like my puffy eyes can't get anymore puffy and my home life can't make me anymore irritated. Oh and thanks for driving.

That was a real treat.

Just like last year (excluding the puffy eyes and odd fly aways), I am dreading to go to work but unable to get out of it. No road trip. No going out. Nothing.

Fuck all I wanted was to buy jeans so I'll just go by myself. Or maybe I'll ask that co worker who also seems so keen on tennis.

This just sucks.

So stop slapping your feet around like that. And I don't want you to come to greet my parents when they come as their unchanged selves. Nor do I want to go myself because I am just so sick of the nagging. I don't know why but she just won't stop. And she doesn't understand.

I know. I know! What of 'I know' don't you understand? If you really thought I was that stupid, why did you put me in this? Why did you give me all of this to deal with and then still expect me to obey to every single fucking word you say? Go out too much?! I haven't gone out in like three years! I haven't had a single fucking day of not feeling like I am 40 and actually feeling like I am 20.

It's mind boggling how when I tell you that you are nagging, you just nag more and more and more. It honestly feels like a mud slide. It feels like once I have it under control and all seems well, you come and criticize the one thing that I like to do reward myself. Like watching a fucking movie.

Oh I m sorry, I should stop going out so much. I should just stay home 24/7 and become so dull and bored that I can't even conduct a normal conversation anymore.

But that is only for me right? It shouldn't apply to anyone else and it's okay that it only applies to me because being the oldest means that things are unfair for me. Again, that's okay right? It's okay for you to do that because you are you.

And here is another thing I don't understand. When Sarah was so uncorporative and stubborn, you nagged at me for her not doing anything. You said to me that Sarah doesn't do anything and you said to me that she should.

Well no shit. I was the one who told you all this in the first place. I was the one who bitched at her for not doing anything, for assuming that she was free to do whatever the fuck she wanted, for not holding up her unspoken part. I was the one who conveyed this to you and what do you do? You call me and you nag at me by telling me this.

Holy fuck. I tell you to tell Sarah this because since I have already exhausted my vocal cords from bitching, I really didn't need to hear this again. And yet you still hold that phone and speak into it like you are doing something right. Why the fuck didn't you tell her? Why the fuck didn't you tell her that she is the one who is wrong for once and not me. Same with the kiddies. You think that by nagging at me, it will somehow translate that message to them. It will somehow teach them what you want to teach them.

No it doesn't. It just aggrevates me even more and even when I tell you that you should be the one speaking to them about how you feel, you get mad at me because I am being disrespectful to you. Holy shit. I don't know how you managed to keep me from setting something on fire or from running away because now that I look at it, I really see how ridiculous it is.

I am done. I know what you want out of me and what kindof a person I should be. I know. But they don't and what you continue to do is sending the message that it doesn't apply to them.

But of course it doesn't. It only applies to me because I am the oldest and of course they will follow my example. You just assumed that.

And now because you refuse to teach them anything and insist on infusing stuff into me, I don't know how they will react to you when they get older.

The other one of you is even worse.

And you are no better.

Last summer and this summer.