IOU nothing

My 15 minute fast run yesterday was not very satisfying. Even though I was going at a higher speed than I usually would if I was going for a 40 minute or an hour run, I still didn't feel the strain in my stomach or the burning of my legs.

But you know what really does burn? When your co-worker that you have always waited so patiently for doesn't seem to mind the fact she likes to push you aside when the phone rings, or when someone else comes and just starts talking, or even when she gets an email that I do not understand. Work is more important than going outside for a smoke break or simply exchanging pleasentries.

But it would have been courteous of her just to inform me that she couldn't go outside for some fresh air because she has some work issue to deal with. It was obvious to me but I thought it was rude for her just not answer me.

Why would you make me wait for answer every single fucking time I ask you a question? I don't make you wait.

I never make you wait and I have listened to your complaining for much too long now and I think it's time for a breather where I don't spend my lunch hour listening to you moan and groan about how shitty you feel or about how fat you are.

Do something about it. I am here to listen but since I am not being paid to listen to you, it is expected that you do the same for me.

And unlike you, I will do something about it by decreasing the amount of time I have to spend with you and eventually I will stop.

Stop trying to think of things to cheer you up because obviously, nothing is good enough for you.

Disclaimer: I am only ranting because I am peeved and I am so bored at work I am considering of asking to leave early. It is an excellent if not pristine idea but shoes do not pay for themselves and I can't stand the idea of my parents paying for my tuition.


No.

Now I acknowledge the fact that most of blogs are rants with no real names except implications and second person referals but I like it this way. For if I were to reveal the names of the people that enrage me, all hell would break loose.

I would probably be the person to start it.

I need a hair cut. Part two

So I have decided against the idea of a short hair cut until I have to because I don't think short hair was ever for me. But I do like this picture of a girl that reminds me of Penelope Cruz because I enjoy how her hair is so full.

I have always like big, flowy hair.

But I will still go to the hair dressers because I would like it relayered and plus it's fun getting my hair cut. I just don't always agree how some people tend to style my hair with a curling iron afterwards. I mean have you not touched my hair? You just blow dry it and it will stay straight without any of the meaningless efforts of the curling iron. People used to curl the ends out but not many do now.

So please, don't come at me with a curling iron (or whatever pretencious name you want to put to it).

Speaking of grooming, I really hope that enginerring summer student takes good care of her feet because she likes to sleep with her feet up on her desk with a nasty fuzzy blanket covering her face. In addition to her rude display of her feet, she warrants the act of meditating on the sidewalk and letting someone give her a back massage via their feet while she is laying on the grass. Mind you though, all of this is not at a park or in the discretion of her backyard; it's at work. At work where people dress for function or for show and where people talk of retailers and architectual problems.

At work where if you nap, you probably should keep your feet at least under your desk and where masseuses most likely won't be conducting their actual business.


/oddcoworkers

I need a hair cut

So far I have managed to stay misquito bites free up until yesterday when Will and I took Marissa and Jason to K days (or I should say Capital X). I thought, the sun is beaming down on us with enough UV rays to turn us into melting pots.... there shouldn't be many bugs if any out.

Then again maybe it was the hour or two I spent outside trying to wash the exterior of my car last night under the refined shade of my garage and the sympathetic clouds. Marissa and Jason helped me only because they thought it was one of the funnest things in the world to be able to spray a car with a hose and rub car soap all over it with a fuzzy mitt that so conviently came with my car. Everything was going fine. Marissa almost enjoyed running back and forth for me and Jason liked the feeling of being able to sit up front on the passenger seat while I so skillfully reparked my car. I just didn't like how the boys were staring at us and drinking beer. I am all for drinking beer but sitting on your drive way like a bunch of high school low ballers is really no way to do it or show the kiddies what people should spend their time doing.

Come on. If you're going to spend a nice summer night outside taking your time guzzling down a beer, you could at least do it with some class. Buy a couple of chairs or something.

Or be of normal boys and drink it in front of a tv or a game of poker.

Anyway my car is clean, the grass is watered, the trampoline is cleaner, and my hair is getting long.

I want to get a hair cut but I'm a little lazy to spend a couple of hours at the mall with the kiddies.

Speaking of the kiddies, they are dark little ones now; especially Jason who was always darker than the rest of us (he must of got the grandpa gene). I hope they had fun, for Will and I risked our pale status to bring you guys to the carni fun.

I feel so energetic..but I can't stop yawning.
Weird!

One summer, Two summer

So after a weekend of torched plans, car washes, and a weird groggy feeling I enter the dreaded work week with high hopes of finding jeans and going to Gravity Pope.

That got torched too.

And so did my ebay account.

I know it. Just say it. You don't have to call me an idiot since I have already infused that thought into my brain about 60 times since yesterday.

But you had to rub it in just a little bit more didn't you? You took it and shoved it into my face with relentless glee and a hand that seemed to make my world black.

Oh jeeze was that 'black' comment ever emo, though I assure you I am not emo just uncomfortable.

I am trying to think of something to look forward to but since my eyes are puffy, stomach feeling empty, and my mood is some combination of indifference, irritated, and hopelessness I really can't pick out something. My shoes came in but I really can't care right now.

Though I realize and I admit that I am the one at fault. I am the one that should have said something but when I try and say something to you, I get stumped and all you say is, "It's okay sweety" and start to rub my back like a little child. That doesn't work with Jason anymore. What makes you think it will work with me?! And yes, I am distracted when I am on the phone but what is worse? Me being distracted on the phone or you completely blocking me out mid-sentence to laugh at how some birds walk and some low-end bread comment?

And please tell me what happened when I told you about what happened yesterday and what I did to put my self at ease so my hands will stop shaking? What response did you have? I am not a psychiatrist but I am pretty sure that it was not of anything supportive but more along the lines of demeaning. And not only did you make me feel like more of a moron, you made sure I knew that I was wrong. You made sure that I knew that I was idiot and what I did was stupid. What do you think I was thinking when I didn't talk to you? How nice it is that you are the one who is finally driving and not me? (by the way, its not that nice.) How about how much closer I feel to you? Because none of those things are true and I am sure you know it.

I don't know what it is but I feel so done. Like my puffy eyes can't get anymore puffy and my home life can't make me anymore irritated. Oh and thanks for driving.

That was a real treat.

Just like last year (excluding the puffy eyes and odd fly aways), I am dreading to go to work but unable to get out of it. No road trip. No going out. Nothing.

Fuck all I wanted was to buy jeans so I'll just go by myself. Or maybe I'll ask that co worker who also seems so keen on tennis.

This just sucks.

So stop slapping your feet around like that. And I don't want you to come to greet my parents when they come as their unchanged selves. Nor do I want to go myself because I am just so sick of the nagging. I don't know why but she just won't stop. And she doesn't understand.

I know. I know! What of 'I know' don't you understand? If you really thought I was that stupid, why did you put me in this? Why did you give me all of this to deal with and then still expect me to obey to every single fucking word you say? Go out too much?! I haven't gone out in like three years! I haven't had a single fucking day of not feeling like I am 40 and actually feeling like I am 20.

It's mind boggling how when I tell you that you are nagging, you just nag more and more and more. It honestly feels like a mud slide. It feels like once I have it under control and all seems well, you come and criticize the one thing that I like to do reward myself. Like watching a fucking movie.

Oh I m sorry, I should stop going out so much. I should just stay home 24/7 and become so dull and bored that I can't even conduct a normal conversation anymore.

But that is only for me right? It shouldn't apply to anyone else and it's okay that it only applies to me because being the oldest means that things are unfair for me. Again, that's okay right? It's okay for you to do that because you are you.

And here is another thing I don't understand. When Sarah was so uncorporative and stubborn, you nagged at me for her not doing anything. You said to me that Sarah doesn't do anything and you said to me that she should.

Well no shit. I was the one who told you all this in the first place. I was the one who bitched at her for not doing anything, for assuming that she was free to do whatever the fuck she wanted, for not holding up her unspoken part. I was the one who conveyed this to you and what do you do? You call me and you nag at me by telling me this.

Holy fuck. I tell you to tell Sarah this because since I have already exhausted my vocal cords from bitching, I really didn't need to hear this again. And yet you still hold that phone and speak into it like you are doing something right. Why the fuck didn't you tell her? Why the fuck didn't you tell her that she is the one who is wrong for once and not me. Same with the kiddies. You think that by nagging at me, it will somehow translate that message to them. It will somehow teach them what you want to teach them.

No it doesn't. It just aggrevates me even more and even when I tell you that you should be the one speaking to them about how you feel, you get mad at me because I am being disrespectful to you. Holy shit. I don't know how you managed to keep me from setting something on fire or from running away because now that I look at it, I really see how ridiculous it is.

I am done. I know what you want out of me and what kindof a person I should be. I know. But they don't and what you continue to do is sending the message that it doesn't apply to them.

But of course it doesn't. It only applies to me because I am the oldest and of course they will follow my example. You just assumed that.

And now because you refuse to teach them anything and insist on infusing stuff into me, I don't know how they will react to you when they get older.

The other one of you is even worse.

And you are no better.

Last summer and this summer.

Oh my....not in a good way

I hope the co-op student cuts his hair soon.

It could be worse than the blazer and wife beater with socks and sandals.

Bring back the extra small hoodies and I will stop bashing how overly priced your clothes are.

First and foremost, I extend my congratulations and best wishes to Will as he has very recently aquired a vehicle. A vehicle which serves as the primary mode of transportation between him and work, him and me (though I still want to drive*), and him and his buddies. At first I was excited for him because he has yearned for a car for a long time now; so long that I can't even fathom the time period. Though it needs a car wash and a good wax, I am sure that it will serve you well.

I would also like to say that I am sorry for what happened between you and him. I always thought you guys looked good together and I thought it was for him. But as I was telling my friend the other day, who would you pair someone up that is not the most interesting person in the world with? I really do wonder. Maybe he has to find that one person that doesn't find him boring and is actually facinated by him.

Anyway, it is Friday today and I can't wait for the weekend. Mostly because I dread work and I dream about going on trips and seeing more of the world through my own eyes than through pictures and other people's descriptions. I shouldn't complain. I get a comfortable chair, all the coffee and tea that I can handle, unrestricted use of stationary, and the company of the internet. Despite all of these perks, I haven't done anything for a good while now and since I finished my book yesterday I don't have too much to keep me awake right now. I should have just went out for lunch yesterday. Staring at something for a long time under a flourescent light gives me a headache. But I won't complain.

I won't bitch about how much my summer has sucked so far and how confused I am about what I should do with my future. Instead I will focus on a prospective Calgary road trip and a AFI concert (and maybe Story of the Year). In addition to these gleeming perhaps, I have been able to do some cardio this past week and completed some much over due forms that needed y attention. Though it feels like lately that everything has been needing my attention and the ironic thing is that when I start talking, people just start to ignore me.

So forget it. You can do it yourself.

Superman was one of the best and most entertaining movies I have seen so far. But it is movies like that where it makes me miss the early stages of dating where everything and anything could be interpretted as romantic. When he called it was mostly to distract him from the headache that he had or just to say that he misses me and this would be his motivation to build a teleportation device to bring the distance between us to a minimal. It is the movies like Superman and King Kong where it makes me realize that I miss having romance in my life and that actually makes me kindof sad.

Not like I am going to break down crying sad (I have other things to cry about).

My reaction was the same when I watched King Kong with Will. In a way it was spured on though by the fact that he said "I am going to go eat dimsum with sergio" when I said I wanted to go eat dimsum. I know that that doesn't sound offending but it made me think that Will was even less romantic than he already was.

It was just in the context and in my frame of mind.

Well leaving the subject of my uncharmed life, I wish Sarah the best in finding a summer job. Well more like her first job that she will keep for longer than 2 weeks and won't have to complian about being splashed with hot water or being obligated to wear a hair net (I am so glad that we have regulations here).

At work I haven't really done anything since 2 pm yesterday (i.e about 14 hours ago). There just wasn't anything to do and it made me realize how small and boring this building is.

I'm just glad for the weekend to come.

P.S: Lunch was fun, except I stink now.

Good bye two precious months of my summer, I will be thinking of you while I am on my trampoline reading about other people's adventures and thoughts. I hope they make me feel alive like the time travellers wife did. Compelling or not, I loved it... just like those shoes at Town Shoes.

Oh my.

P.S.S: Bring back the extra smalls. Just because we are averaged sized doesn't mean we have to be subjected to baggy clothing that we are two inches too small for.