I don't get a sense of satisfaction, comfort, and warmth. Instead it is replaced with confusion, suspicion, and a heavy heart. A heavy heart that I cannot for some reason get rid of. No matter what information I try to get out of you because you are too distracted or uncaring to say.
Uncaring might be a harsh word. Though it has a sense of truth in it.
You never message. Even though you know what is upsetting me. I just don't believe you. It has been way too long. A substantial amount of time filled with a lot of angst, weak hands, and overloaded minds.
I can still taste what it was like to be satisfied, comforted, and secure but it is quickly fading and no matter what I try to get you to do or say, I can never really get back to that place.
Your body turns too quickly and eargly away now. Your enthusiasm to make me feel better is pretty much non existence. Your hands will only grab mine if you know I'm sad; not just to hold my hand but to do it because it seems like it is your duty at the moment.
I do believe that place will forever be a seemingly unreachable goal. It will hang on my ceiling, taunting me with its ridiculous proximity. Theoretically, I could reach it. My methodology will be questionable, dangerous even but for that 10 minutes I'll be happy with you once again.
I won't be questioning anything. Trying to validate anything. Or trying to disprove my automatic thoughts. My stomach won't hurt and I won't feel like shit.
Without me telling you directly and exactly what it is, you won't know. I always thought he would be a bad boyfriend and that you were always better. But atleast he knows how to make his girlfriend feel like he still loves her.
Not like this.
This doesn't sit well.
For some unknown reason, I just don't believe you. Thus I can't get past it.
I am staring at my phone knowing that it will not make a sound for the next 8 hours but I will keep staring because I will always hope that it will. When it does make a sound, I am still not satisfied. The message is not the same caliber of the others.
With others I mean the ones from the past and HERS.
I can't remember when I was wished to have a good day at school, to see me later, or have sweet dreams.
But she does.
I just don't believe you. I can't believe you.
As I look at you, I don't know what to do anymore. But I did ask to buy flowers for myself. Those chocolates aren't enough to make this undaunting but haunting feeling go away.
So I think flowers will do the trick. Flowers that will last maybe a week but at this point, something so temporary is the only thing I can wish for.
I shouldn't of let you in. I shouldn't of given you so much room. Maybe then you could clue in more. I know you say you'll change and you'll make me feel better but right after I'm done dehydrating myself, you revert right back to where you were. And I'm left standing on the other side waiting for you because you promised you would come.
But you decided to remain and find someone else instead. I can understand. It is easier to start something new instead of crossing over.
It was awfully easy to start something new wasn't it? All you had to do was ask her if she was going to be at the Y or hockey later on, wish her a good at school, ask her if she got your message last night, tease her with a couple of names, wish her sweet dreams, and last but not least add "hehehe" and a :p at the end.
It is easier than telling me that you love me because it must be more fun. It's new and unpredicable.
But if you're going to do this, at least pick someone super hot. Or I'm just going to be insulted.
I might just stand here and watch. It's sadistic of me because it just hurts so fucking much, but I have to know. I need to know if that is what you want because you obviously think I'm the safer choice so you'll tell me there is nothing there and that it's not worth it.
But not once did you tell me it is because you love me and that you would rather be with me. That I mean more than some smiley face and quick fix. That 4 years actually counts for something and not just ease of choice. You just said it was because of the 4 years. That it wasn't worth it for someone who is.....
You never did finish the sentence so you must think highly of her. And in the back of your mind you probably do think it is worth it. It would just make you a bad person so you don't say it. Instead I take it and allow it to fester and boil inside of me; making me uneasy. Don't tell me it's not true. You never finished the sentence.
Suspicion with an empty but heavy heart replaces all that shit Hallmark cards tend to say on Valentines day. I could take it and fix it but what's the point? You're just going to shatter it again anyway.
So for now I'll craddle it with the greatest of care, hoping that one day the tulips will show up in your hands. Though I doubt that you will because you just don't take hints well. I had to mention them 3 times by the way. A waste of breath considering how you still DON'T GET IT.
But I'll try to make myself feel better because one day, I'll buy them myself and for that one week, I'll feel like I have reached that place. That I did carefully uninstall it from my ceiling and it is now devoted to staying in my company.
And when it comes time to put it back, I won't feel like shit. That shitty feeling that seems to never go away.
Sweet dreams. Have a good day at school. heheh :p
I'll be here. Watching and staring at my phone.
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