Sweet Dreams

With a clamy and clumsy hand I reach forward and find the same physical substance that has been there for the last 4 years. But this time it feels different.

I don't get a sense of satisfaction, comfort, and warmth. Instead it is replaced with confusion, suspicion, and a heavy heart. A heavy heart that I cannot for some reason get rid of. No matter what information I try to get out of you because you are too distracted or uncaring to say.

Uncaring might be a harsh word. Though it has a sense of truth in it.

You never message. Even though you know what is upsetting me. I just don't believe you. It has been way too long. A substantial amount of time filled with a lot of angst, weak hands, and overloaded minds.

I can still taste what it was like to be satisfied, comforted, and secure but it is quickly fading and no matter what I try to get you to do or say, I can never really get back to that place.

Your body turns too quickly and eargly away now. Your enthusiasm to make me feel better is pretty much non existence. Your hands will only grab mine if you know I'm sad; not just to hold my hand but to do it because it seems like it is your duty at the moment.

I do believe that place will forever be a seemingly unreachable goal. It will hang on my ceiling, taunting me with its ridiculous proximity. Theoretically, I could reach it. My methodology will be questionable, dangerous even but for that 10 minutes I'll be happy with you once again.

I won't be questioning anything. Trying to validate anything. Or trying to disprove my automatic thoughts. My stomach won't hurt and I won't feel like shit.

Without me telling you directly and exactly what it is, you won't know. I always thought he would be a bad boyfriend and that you were always better. But atleast he knows how to make his girlfriend feel like he still loves her.

Not like this.

This doesn't sit well.

For some unknown reason, I just don't believe you. Thus I can't get past it.

I am staring at my phone knowing that it will not make a sound for the next 8 hours but I will keep staring because I will always hope that it will. When it does make a sound, I am still not satisfied. The message is not the same caliber of the others.

With others I mean the ones from the past and HERS.

I can't remember when I was wished to have a good day at school, to see me later, or have sweet dreams.

But she does.

I just don't believe you. I can't believe you.

As I look at you, I don't know what to do anymore. But I did ask to buy flowers for myself. Those chocolates aren't enough to make this undaunting but haunting feeling go away.

So I think flowers will do the trick. Flowers that will last maybe a week but at this point, something so temporary is the only thing I can wish for.

I shouldn't of let you in. I shouldn't of given you so much room. Maybe then you could clue in more. I know you say you'll change and you'll make me feel better but right after I'm done dehydrating myself, you revert right back to where you were. And I'm left standing on the other side waiting for you because you promised you would come.

But you decided to remain and find someone else instead. I can understand. It is easier to start something new instead of crossing over.

It was awfully easy to start something new wasn't it? All you had to do was ask her if she was going to be at the Y or hockey later on, wish her a good at school, ask her if she got your message last night, tease her with a couple of names, wish her sweet dreams, and last but not least add "hehehe" and a :p at the end.

It is easier than telling me that you love me because it must be more fun. It's new and unpredicable.

But if you're going to do this, at least pick someone super hot. Or I'm just going to be insulted.

I might just stand here and watch. It's sadistic of me because it just hurts so fucking much, but I have to know. I need to know if that is what you want because you obviously think I'm the safer choice so you'll tell me there is nothing there and that it's not worth it.

But not once did you tell me it is because you love me and that you would rather be with me. That I mean more than some smiley face and quick fix. That 4 years actually counts for something and not just ease of choice. You just said it was because of the 4 years. That it wasn't worth it for someone who is.....

You never did finish the sentence so you must think highly of her. And in the back of your mind you probably do think it is worth it. It would just make you a bad person so you don't say it. Instead I take it and allow it to fester and boil inside of me; making me uneasy. Don't tell me it's not true. You never finished the sentence.

Suspicion with an empty but heavy heart replaces all that shit Hallmark cards tend to say on Valentines day. I could take it and fix it but what's the point? You're just going to shatter it again anyway.

So for now I'll craddle it with the greatest of care, hoping that one day the tulips will show up in your hands. Though I doubt that you will because you just don't take hints well. I had to mention them 3 times by the way. A waste of breath considering how you still DON'T GET IT.

But I'll try to make myself feel better because one day, I'll buy them myself and for that one week, I'll feel like I have reached that place. That I did carefully uninstall it from my ceiling and it is now devoted to staying in my company.

And when it comes time to put it back, I won't feel like shit. That shitty feeling that seems to never go away.

Sweet dreams. Have a good day at school. heheh :p

I'll be here. Watching and staring at my phone.

Dear Guitar-guy,

I know how you feel. In fact, when I first saw you strum along to the beat of your music as you were walkng across campus, I envied you. For you get to move along to the beat of your music in public and there is no risk of you injuring anyone or getting in any ones way. I for one do not know how to play the guitar and all of my previous piano training is lost on me.

Sorry mom.

Most of the time I want to dance around to my music and skateboard down that seemingly long stretch of campus concrete; which so many of us pound on on a daily basis. Perhaps I should just reserve my ridiculously odd dance moves for when I have complete privacy so people don't think I am deranged immigrant who doesn't understand Canada's cultural values.

Surprisingly, I haven't had many people question my ability to manipulate the english language. Though in this past year or so, people seem more and more stunned when I start speaking. Their faces drop as if they were excited to hear a Chinese accent; almost as if they were dissappointed. And it's not just the fact that I can speak english. It's the fact that I'm not Japanese or Korean. Which is even more off the norm since I don't think I look like either.

I know. I know. This is trivial and this is pretty much a waste of my time to type this out but my headache will not subside, the slight nausea is only starting to give up, and my closet is starting to remind me how materialistic I've become this past year.

Shit.

I have noticed the annoyingly large increase of students this year. I don't believe 'annoyingly' is actual offical english word but what I'm saying is true. It's annoying. I am trying to get from one class to another in convient but unsuportive shoes and there are these first years in my way. There are countless times where I am so tempted to ram them with the canon that I carry on my back. But I promised myself I would be less angry this year and just tell them to move the fuck out of the way.

Oh by the way, have expressed how much I hate girls? Not because they are my competition ( I enjoy a challenge), but because how fucking annoying and ridiculous they are. Of course I am referring to the ones who go out of their way to give the female sex a bad name. And no. I am not mixing up gender and sex. I actually do believe that the "catiness" of girls contributes to the demoralization of women.

Or I am just using it as an arguement to justify how much I want to punch some girls.

Anywho, I can't wait to see Bright Eyes again!! Minus the gum of course.

How to make a Naive/ Surprisingly Optimistic Gloria

Take one Chinese girl who is STILL under the notion that if she treats other people with respect and kindness, they will all return the same form of compact love.

Combine with a boy with seems sweet enough and is filled with some sort of love that doesn't make sense.

Place in oven and let them intermingle by themselves, as facilitated love and companionship always turns out to be the fucked up kind that resonates an odd stench of low self esteem.

The suggested time is about 3 years, 4 if your patience permits. To speed up the process, dress Gloria in a black uniform and make her work with a bitch who posses the largest under bite anyone has seen. Alternate Gloria between the two different environments.

Though a word of caution, if Gloria is forced to spend time with the tacky cunt trash, you might be missing a person at the end of the day. Completing this intermittenly will not only keep Gloria's temper at bay but stop your expeneses from ruining you.

Now watch closely. What typically happens is the innocent boy will make Gloria feel all tingly inside and like she is a special person. More special than his past girlfriends and all of the other girls and boys. Gloria will take this to heart, try to remember and savour the moment as tomorrow will come and feelings fade.

Fade might not be the greatest way to explain the boys' feelings. Perhaps evolve into a quieter version that is less attractive to Gloria but more attractive to other people because Gloria has injected a sense of style and self awareness into him.

As the gestures, gazes, and sweet phrases become only a story, Gloria grows wary and Will (I mean the boy) becomes comfortable. Comfortable enough that it is alright for him to exclude Gloria from things that she actually wants to attend. Mind you, the boy thinks this he has done nothing wrong.

Don't worry. The irony of the last paragraph did not fail to fall on me.

It is ironic simply because the boy starts to gesture, gaze, and comment less and less. Instead he plays more games, whines, and generally make Gloria feel like any other girl.

Any other girl that he can exclude. If it wasn't for Gloria being friends with her, you wouldn't be going to that birthday dinner. And of course Gloria doesn't want to go because she has to take her little sister to soccer. Mind you, it would make Gloria feel much more wanted if the boy actually offered/questioned her if she would like to go after soccer.

Gloria has to take you to all of her friends birthday parties after all. And no. They are not your friends because you are friends with them . You are friends with them because Gloria was friends with them. You are now capable to picking out a shirt because Gloria has taught you all the shit that you know. And what do you do to thank her? You maker her feel unwanted.

No. There are no points awarded for making someone else feel shitty. Gloria can do that her self.

Towads the end of 3 and half years, you should see that Gloria will not have changed much. The boy on the other hand, will become a well dressed asshole who doesn't know that kids take in everything you do and say. Who doesn't know that the girl doesn't always like paying $16 dollars for a movie ticket everytime she sees a movie. A boy that has CLEARLY lost sight of what dating means.

And no. It's not just so that he can get some. The girl has to still want to be with him and feel like he still wants her for her and not the other shit. Gloria will not have changed much because at a quick glance, she sees that things seem to be going the way that they always have for the past 3 1/2 years. But when she tries to blog about how blissfull her work day was, all she can think about is how much she misses Will. The Will that took her hand while they are walking so that she wouldn't fall. The Will that cares about whether or not she is still as happy as day 1. The Will that cared to think that he can wait and that rushing into things is always the bad way to go. The Will that wanted to have things fixed before he went to bed so she wouldn't stay up till 1:30 in the morning because of a queasy stomach and a heavy heart.

A heavy heart with purple hair accompanied by no one.

And just because I look at a product and say that it is a good line, it doesn't mean I'm going to buy it. This is quite clear when I say, "This is too expensive. I'll wait." Just because I didn't say, "I'm not going to buy it," doesn't mean I'm going to buy it.

Back to the point. In the end, you should have a Gloria that is still nice when the encounters are short but if they are longer than 10 minutes, then the experimenter must intervene. Gloria should also be bitter with high hopes that the boy will some how become romantic again. That she won' t have to fight for his attention and that time spent together is not just some cheap thrill that is so imaginative that Gloria gets more excited about laundry.

By the way, have fun at your party.

Humble Me

Norah Jones has a way of calming me down, nearly putting me to sleep. Making my muscles relax and causing a secretion of melatonin from my pineal gland, signaled from my suprachiasmatic nucleus.

Regardless of the hypnosis, I can't help feeling nervous, heavy hearted, nauseous, and droopy eyed. I miss you grandpa and I am sorry for not paying more attention to you. I just hope that you didn't suffer at all and that you are in a much better place now without pollution, uneccesary acts of violence, neglect, and greed. I hope that you are now with your parents and grandparents. I just hope that you are happy and that you can stand up straight again. Nice and tall in your spiffy suits and do all the excercises that you want. Play all the mahjong that you want. I just hope you know that I have missed the old you for a long time and I knew you couldn't be the same person but I was always hoping. I always thought about it. I wonder what happened to that tape that Sarah and I always liked watching so much. I always thought about how skilled you were and all the cool things that you taught Sarah and I. I now wonder how grandma is going to eat her fruit since you're not there to peel her fruit for her. I love you grandpa. I just hope that you're happy and safe now.

I don't know how grandma is holding up though. She is so fragile and everytime I left you two, I felt a pang of guilt. I haven't talked to her since the day you past away. I don't know what to say. Though I never know what to say.

All I want to do is pick you guys up for dinner now.

Ikea has good chairs??

Walk straight and stop letting that shoulder pain get to you.

Wow is my chair ever uncomfortable. My parents are coming back this saturday. The same saturday as Suchi's birthday party. The saturdays where I used to like going out but I tend to not have fun when other people aren't joining in because all you do is stand there holding a beer bottle with your head propped back causing your neck muscles to extend.

My favourite pair of jeans is ripped.

I wish I knew how to sew.

And remember, I waved and smiled at you already!

P.S: I know this one doesn't make anysense and is very random.

P.S,S: who the hell is milli vennili??

How come no one ever told me!

No one has ever told me how funny I look when I am alone. My facial expression is not centered or even remotely fair. Now I know why people look at me funny sometimes! I guess it would be awkward for someone to come up to me and tell me that my face looks funny when I am not talking to someone.

I have also noticed that when I smile, the left side of my face tends to go up first. This only happens when I smile slowly and not when I laugh (at least I hope so).

Either way, I am not sure exactly how many people have noticed but I hope that they do forget it.

My parents came home this weekend and I basically spent my Saturday feeling like shit (this always happens on the first day), driving my mom around, and investing. Yes I actually invested. After three grueling hours of what seemed like information from a very well designed pamphelet, Sarah and I made a decision that neither of us really understood. But I hope it works out. I then spent a good couple of hours at home by myself. It's rare that this occurs and when it does, it's really odd. Much too odd for me to handle so I blasted some Metric and Jet and danced around while I was trying to mimic bakers. Bakers who know how to make brownies that don't turn out flat.

Seriously, it happens every single time. I must be that bad.

And I miss you. Not you or you. But you. And I know it doesn't seem like it and I have never mentioned it but I do. I miss you so much. I have thought about it over and over again and honeslty, it was enough for me. It was enough. Sufficient and suffice.

I just wish it was sufficient and suffice now but clearly it isn't.

And clearly shoving material goods at me and rushing to the finish line isn't enough.

I am not sure what it is but I was really hoping to not fall into the stereotype where roles switch and we are caught in a position where no one lets go or improves.

Thing is I can't let go because it is something I need. I don't just need the finish line. I need everything. Everything and anything in between.

Otherwise I end up feeling nothing. Maybe if I was robot it wouldn't matter so much. And yes it's true. This is not based on that. It really isn't but just talking to you isn't enough. Talking doesn't give me what I need to feel like I really am part of your life. Not in this kind of a setting anyway.

Also, it's not normal.

And I told you what was wrong. And thanks for hitting me in the eye. It's just what I need to even out my initially crooked smile.

And to end the blissful weekend

10 items down on the to-do list and about 5 to go. In retrospect though, I think everything was very well done.

Except for when my garage door wouldn't close due to excess snow on the bottom of it.

It doesn't sound harmful but it is! See the snow makes contact with the lasers, which are a safety feature so the garage door doesn't come slamming down on anything, and it causes the garage door to go back up once again. And this leaves me sweeping the entire premise for the culprit.

Though it was easier this time because I knew that it was snow. Not the leaves or something animate. But a form of water that falls only during one season.

Alas, I did not think outside the box and kept looking and cursing at something that clearly had nothing do to with keeping me outside even longer than I had planned for. I apologize and I mean it.

Once the snow was swept and kept out of the lasers way, I made my way inside and proceeded to complain about my hunger that seemed to last for what felt like a mini-eon (I believe those are called.....years?) and gathered up those dust bunnies and escorted them out of my life.

Be gone dust bunnies!

And to the snow that I violently swept away, I am sorry.

P.S: I can't wait to go to Indigo next week!